Mental Meanderings

Published to my Peer Group with minor editing to protect the guilty:

Episode 2 of 12

Recently, we have seen a rise in attention given to suicide by the "MSM", due to the recent celebrity suicides. And, with all the various articles, as well as Facebook memes flying about, I have come to a realization, due to the fact that I have actually been on the "other side of the phone", as it were. Now, I am not going into a whole bunch of different things (after all, I have 10 more sessions to perform for my therapist here :P), so I will only concentrate on one, very important thing, which I believe we have been doing wrong for many many years.


Even in the best of times, we have a hard time relating to that number. We don't see it, we don't interact with it, we don't experience it. It is a concept to us, really. Sure, we understand it mathmatically, but if we suddenly had a million of .... ummmm... anything, we would hav…

June Update w repost

This is a repost of my post to my Peer Support Group here on FB (time delay 15 min):

Okay, I am going to just jump into this face first... errr... feet first! (Plus, it's now part of my therapy 🤔)

As some of you know, I have been having some issues in this past year, which started to go towards critical mass last July when I started having memory problems. Making a long story short, and skipping ahead to October when I retired (early) from XXXXX.

Well, with my various medical issues, upon which now dealing with PTSD, depression and anxiety, and no longer having the everyday pound of 911 life and all it entails, I really have hit a drastic low.
Low enough that the first time I turned in my guns to XXXXX, and the second time I was transported to Memorial with suicidal ideations. Mind you, I had these thoughts EVERY DAY, but this time I actually acted upon those thoughts and started to look for means to prep the garage for C02 termination.

Right now, I am doing ... fai…

Psychotic Break Saturday

Had another psychotic break on Saturday. Not as bad as the one before, when I turned in my guns, but was close enough that was taken into hospital.

Not there too long, and now under watchful eye of my brother for a few days, until I can get back onto some anti-depressants (since I had to wean off the last one due to a bad interaction with it, thus I have been on nothing for depression since then).

I have those thoughts of suicide everyday, but when I start to act upon them, that is when I knew that I had taken a drastic step that needed some intervention (preparing garage for C02 poisoning). 

Ummm... Errr....

Couldn't think of any snappy or clever title for this posting.

One yet another medication, which I believe isn't the right one for me (at least as far as the dose they have me on...??).

Still having suicidal thoughts, LOTS of them, in fact, but right now they are more of an intellectual exercise, than anything else.

However, I also know, from my 911 days, that making plans of suicide is a HUGE STEP towards the actual act...

Which, fortunately, I still have not taken the PREPARATIONS step... or, have I?? Hmmm... considering how many different plans that I have made, some don't need much more than my car and some gas, or even a length of rope (Here's a math problem ... how much rope does it take to break the neck of a wizard? How far would I have to jump from a birch tree to assure a clean snap? Any different from an oak, or an ash tree?? -- Good thing I always HATED these math problems... )

Anyway, seems that nowadays, I am plotting and planning and devising ways to off…

Checking in

Happy Easter, Everyone!

April Fools!!

Wait a minute.... that doesn't sound right....

Happy April Easter, Fools!!!

Not sure if that is any better.... 😶

Onwards to NEW MEDS!!

Well, I am now sufficiently weaned off the Zoloft to start something new for my PTSD/Depression/Anxiety.

Started this morning and ... wheeeeee.... I am hoping that I get used to this quick!! Lovely cases of vertigo that come back again and again while I am walking around (really fun when doing the stairs! 😨).

Still, it is much more of a stimulant than my last medication, at least what the pharmasist stated. And, I have no reason to doubt that based upon how I felt not long after it started into my system. Also, I am looking forwards to up to 2 weeks before I will see positive results. Swell 😶

Still Alive.. Sorta

Though I have to wonder

It turned out that the medication I was taking for anxiety, starting past June, has finally run it's course, and I have started to have negative adverse reactions to it. Soooo, I am being weaned off of it. However, that means that my PTSD and depression is no longer being medically tempered and is now turning back into full blown issues, and will be worse before it gets better, as I have to be completely clean of the old psych medicine before I am given anything new.

Patience is a virtue... which is VERY hard right now!!