Mental Meanderings for July 18th

Re-Posted from my 911 Peer Support Group

Vladi's Mental Health Meanderings
Part 3 of 12

You're a ROCK!!

How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? We like to use it to define a person as solid, imperturbable, unflappable, STRONG in any occasion or situation, no matter how chaotic and terrible. This is something that administrators look for in call-takers and dispatchers, people who keep their cool when everyone around them is losing theirs.

It's something I have heard pretty much all my life. Calm and stoic, relaxed and humorous, the man who laughs at the sight of conflict. Bill.... YOU'RE A ROCK!!

Well, thank you ... but, that rock has many many cracks!

The problem with rocks is that they have no flexibility. There is no adaption or adjustment. Rocks are stable, but also un-moving. And, LIFE is not like that!

In the years, I have built a very large, tall and thick (it's the most BEAUTIFUL OF WALLS... ), to keep myself safe. Safe from child abuse, safe from school taunts against my brother's homosexuality, safe from the mental and psychological abuse heaped upon me by my father. It took many many years to get that wall up and I just kept adding to it.

Keeping people away, keeping people at length, keeping people from seeing the pain and the despair. The years only added to my skills as an emotional mason, using snarky humor as the mortar between the bricks, self-depreciation as a defensive mechanism to keep others insults at bay, showing that I can insult myself better than they can, which was a weird way of keeping inner and outer pressure against the wall somewhat stable.

This of course ruined any relationship that I found myself in, the fear of being open and honest with another human being. The fear of being rejected for having those inner demons, and being laughed at and scorned for being human. (Strange... I know... but .. that is ... WAS... my life) I would crave for people to get to know me and love me, but the moment I started to see such things, empathy and compassion and love, I would panic and push them away, running as fast as a rock can (while collecting no moss).

Now this rock has gone through some very strong earthquakes that has shattered and broke my wall in many places. It's crumbling and I need to direct the falling bricks in a way that doesn't hurt anyone (inc myself), while at the same time, making sure that those bricks are not re-positioned to repair and rebuild that wall.

Walls can be okay, in their place, but are not very good when they surround your own emotions, keeping your soul in the dark, away from the light of the hearts of others.

Something to think about, next time you consider calling someone a ROCK (unless they are Dwayne Johnson, THE ROCK!)

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