Mental Meanderings 5 of 12

Vladi's Mental Meandering

Part 5 of 12

(Posted to my peer support group for our communications center)

The other day, while on one of my walks, I came to an epiphany. Now, for the longest time, I have always thought that my "anti-social behavior" was because I HATED people. It was something that I feared to say out loud, without the camouflage of humor, masking it as "oh, he's just kidding ... ha ha ha ... that Vladi... what a kidder!" But, you would be wondering, quietly and in the back of your mind, if I really WAS kidding! Well... you and me both!

Such a feeling of hate towards humanity, and my fellow man (and woman), really didn't seem RIGHT to me, but how else would I explain my distrust and distance that I keep myself from people. Sure, I would be ASSOCIATED with people through school, or work, or even play (theater and dart league), but while we would often use the word "FRIEND" to define our particular relationships, colleague or peer would be actually closer to the mark of the truth.

Sure, there were even a few exceptions where I would call a person my friend, those true friends that know you better than you know yourself at times, and who will call you out for any particular bullshit you may be doing, as well as going with you to have some fun doing the same bullshit (they just didn't want to be left behind!).

No, the thing that I suddenly realized as if little Cindy Lou had whacked me on my noggin' again with her little (AND VERY SHARP) Fairy Wand. It was not hate that filled my heart, but FEAR. Hummphh... it is FEAR that I feel towards people. I FEAR people.

Well, that would explain how I could have done all those things that I have done in the past, from college to The Army, to marriage and divorce, back to college and the theater, ringing up burritos or answering the telephone at my brother's partner's answering service, to finally serving 27 years as a 911 operator until my recent retirement. Doesn't sound like the life choices of a person that HATES people. But, it sure can be partnered with being afraid of people.

Now, I am not talking about the fear that we think about in regards to the flight/fight response to potential physical harm befalling me. Fortunately, I do not have, nor have I been saddled with such a mental paranoia. No, my paranoia, was more insidious as it disguised itself as self-preservation, and my fear was about letting people INTO my mind and heart. That is why I would always be apart, always be aloof. It wasn't because I thought myself better than you, it was because I was afraid of you finding out that I WAS AFRAID.

I told myself, convinced myself, that this wasn't fear, but that it was just a means of protection, a wall around those painful secrets that have festered deep within me, sprouting then fertilizing the seed of PTSD that affects me today.

Yes, I am afraid. But, now I can face that fear, knowing now that it is not hate (okay.. throw your Yoda speech about fear leading to hate in here now :P), which is part of what I have been doing of late with you all with my various "Mental Meanderings", but letting you see what I am inside that shattered wall from my past and recent psychological breakdowns.

One good thing that I do realize, is that Hate closes our minds, but fear opens our eyes! And, right now, that fear is not looking outwards at what dangers I think that you may hide, but inwards to reveal those truths that have been hidden for so long that has given me the worst, and longest lasting pain ... and that is the pain that kept me from knowing you, as I should have, all these years past.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart, all of you!

I am blessed to have you in my life, truly.