Vladi Wizard's Musings

Vladi's Mental Meandering Part 5 of 12 (Posted to my peer support group for our communications center) The other day, while on one of my walks, I came to an epiphany. Now, for the longest time, I have always thought that my "anti-social behavior" was because I HATED people. It was something that I feared to say out loud, without the camouflage of humor, masking it as "oh, he's just kidding ... ha ha ha ... that Vladi... what a kidder!" But, you would be wondering, quietly and in the back of your mind, if I really WAS kidding! Well... you and me both! Such a feeling of hate towards humanity, and my fellow man (and woman), really didn't seem RIGHT to me, but how else would I explain my distrust and distance that I keep myself from people. Sure, I would be ASSOCIATED with people through school, or work, or even play (theater and dart league), but while we would often use the word "FRIEND" to define our particular relation

Vladi's Mental Meandering 4 of 12 Intimacy I was talking to my ex, Cheryl, this weekend, when I had an epiphany. Our conversation was circling the burning bush of intimacy, which I have always had a bit of a disagreement with her about, but until now, I really never realized WHY. As some of you know, my childhood was not the best growing up, and thus I had a lot of trust issues (still to this day, but working on it), especially on letting people get close to me. Now, the point of contention is that to Cheryl, sex was intimacy. And, while it very well can be, I think that there is much more to intimacy than just skin on skin contact. No, to me, intimacy is transparency and vulnerability. You do not have to be face to face with someone to be intimate with them, as we have all have had intimate situations with those that we have dealt with over the phone. We have had to help some very desperate people, who lay open themselves for the help they desperately c

Re-Posted from my 911 Peer Support Group Vladi's Mental Health Meanderings Part 3 of 12 You're a ROCK!! How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? We like to use it to define a person as solid, imperturbable, unflappable, STRONG in any occasion or situation, no matter how chaotic and terrible. This is something that administrators look for in call-takers and dispatchers, people who keep their cool when everyone around them is losing theirs. It's something I have heard pretty much all my life. Calm and stoic, relaxed and humorous, the man who laughs at the sight of conflict. Bill.... YOU'RE A ROCK!! Well, thank you ... but, that rock has many many cracks! The problem with rocks is that they have no flexibility. There is no adaption or adjustment. Rocks are stable, but also un-moving. And, LIFE is not like that! In the years, I have built a very large, tall and thick (it's the most BEAUTIFUL OF WALLS... ), t

Published to my Peer Group with minor editing to protect the guilty: VLADI'S MENTAL MEANDERINGS Episode 2 of 12 Recently, we have seen a rise in attention given to suicide by the "MSM", due to the recent celebrity suicides. And, with all the various articles, as well as Facebook memes flying about, I have come to a realization, due to the fact that I have actually been on the "other side of the phone", as it were. Now, I am not going into a whole bunch of different things (after all, I have 10 more sessions to perform for my therapist here :P), so I will only concentrate on one, very important thing, which I believe we have been doing wrong for many many years. A MILLION. Even in the best of times, we have a hard time relating to that number. We don't see it, we don't interact with it, we don't experience it. It is a concept to us, really. Sure, we understand it mathmatically, but if we suddenly had a million of .... ummmm... anything, we wo

This is a repost of my post to my Peer Support Group here on FB (time delay 15 min): Okay, I am going to just jump into this face first... errr... feet first! (Plus, it's now part of my therapy 🤔 ) As some of you know, I have been having some issues in this past year, which started to go towards critical mass last July when I started having memory problems. Making a long story short, and skipping ahead to October when I retired (early) from XXXXX. Well, with my various medical issues, upon which now dealing with PTSD, depression and anxiety, and no longer ha ving the everyday pound of 911 life and all it entails, I really have hit a drastic low. Low enough that the first time I turned in my guns to XXXXX, and the second time I was transported to Memorial with suicidal ideations. Mind you, I had these thoughts EVERY DAY, but this time I actually acted upon those thoughts and started to look for means to prep the garage for C02 termination. Right now, I am doi

Had another psychotic break on Saturday. Not as bad as the one before, when I turned in my guns, but was close enough that was taken into hospital. Not there too long, and now under watchful eye of my brother for a few days, until I can get back onto some anti-depressants (since I had to wean off the last one due to a bad interaction with it, thus I have been on nothing for depression since then). I have those thoughts of suicide everyday, but when I start to act upon them, that is when I knew that I had taken a drastic step that needed some intervention (preparing garage for C02 poisoning). 

Couldn't think of any snappy or clever title for this posting. One yet another medication, which I believe isn't the right one for me (at least as far as the dose they have me on...??). Still having suicidal thoughts, LOTS of them, in fact, but right now they are more of an intellectual exercise, than anything else. However, I also know, from my 911 days, that making plans of suicide is a HUGE STEP towards the actual act... Which, fortunately, I still have not taken the PREPARATIONS step... or, have I?? Hmmm... considering how many different plans that I have made, some don't need much more than my car and some gas, or even a length of rope (Here's a math problem ... how much rope does it take to break the neck of a wizard? How far would I have to jump from a birch tree to assure a clean snap? Any different from an oak, or an ash tree?? -- Good thing I always HATED these math problems... ) Anyway, seems that nowadays, I am plotting and planning and devising wa

Happy Easter, Everyone! April Fools!! Wait a minute.... that doesn't sound right.... Happy April Easter, Fools!!! Not sure if that is any better.... 😶

Well, I am now sufficiently weaned off the Zoloft to start something new for my PTSD/Depression/Anxiety. Started this morning and ... wheeeeee.... I am hoping that I get used to this quick!! Lovely cases of vertigo that come back again and again while I am walking around (really fun when doing the stairs! 😨). Still, it is much more of a stimulant than my last medication, at least what the pharmasist stated. And, I have no reason to doubt that based upon how I felt not long after it started into my system. Also, I am looking forwards to up to 2 weeks before I will see positive results. Swell 😶

Though I have to wonder It turned out that the medication I was taking for anxiety, starting past June, has finally run it's course, and I have started to have negative adverse reactions to it. Soooo, I am being weaned off of it. However, that means that my PTSD and depression is no longer being medically tempered and is now turning back into full blown issues, and will be worse before it gets better, as I have to be completely clean of the old psych medicine before I am given anything new. Patience is a virtue... which is VERY hard right now!! 

Zeta Clark, the webmistress of TWL, contacted me this morning to ask how I was doing. This is a REDACTED response to that email. Hi Zeta Thanks for the email to ask. I really appreciate that. Actually, that blog post was during my 2nd physiological break (the 1st in August which led to my 'semi-forced' early retirement from 911 ... PTSD & Depression on top of my "normal" medical issues ... well, it was remain for 3 years to get full pension and DIE ... or retire now to get partial pension and live [which is where I am at] ) which I am still dealing with now. Believe it may be a med reaction to the med that I was started on in June for my Anxiety. (Yeah, I am a bit of a mess... but what can you expect of wizards ?? ) Anyway, the next day after the blog post was a near drug overdose, so I had EMS services out and the Sheriff took me to the mental health place...... Long story short, it seems like I am having a reaction to the Anxiety D

What a week so far!! Monday, sitting on my bed, with my Ruger 40 in my hand, contemplating if it is better to go for the temple shot or through the mouth shot. Decided that this was NOT a good idea and contacted my local Sheriff and have them come and pick up my 2 handguns. 1 chief of police, 1 sheriff sergeant and 3 deputies, 3 firemen and 2 paramedics later .... They thanked me for being considerate and calling them. I thought I would be okay, and convinced them to leave me alone as I would be seeing my mental health doctor the next day, in 24 hours in fact. Alrighty then! Thank you citizen and have a good day! So, this really is a carry over of my earlier psychotic break which lead to my early retirement from 911 last October. Well, seems like the medication that they gave me, I have been only using half the normal dosage so, as the MHP counselor said, the drug lost is therapeutic value. Why yes... yes it did. Anyway, the next morning, I am considering all the differ

They want you to think that we live in the world of "Enemy of the State", but instead of some mysterious shadowy organization that is behind the evil, the GOP wants you to think that it is instead the FBI that is that subversive shadowy government that aims to do away with the same American ideals that they protect. Ingenious! Engineous, I telles ya!! I remember growing up with being taught for respect for authority, and there was NO higher lawful authority in the land then the FBI. Hell, in some circles, J Edgar was (maybe still is) worshiped as a god (in the same pantheon with Ronald Reagan and John Wayne, no doubt). Movies and shows and television was filled with square jawed G-men whose only vice was that they were TOO patriotic! This is the mold that many of the right's governmental hero, Jack Bauer, was formed from. These are the men that will do ANYTHING to protect the country! Except... break the law. That is the difference between the FBI of reality and t

I went and removed past posts here that had to do with Lair updates. These posts were VERY old, and besides, you can find the old updates posted at TWL. I want this blog to, while it will touch upon superheroine stuff, is primarily a political soapbox.

... at least according to the GOP.  Sadly, this really is nothing new. I am sure that most of you reading this know of someone who either, or had a relative that did, became homeless because of health care costs. The Affordable Health Care Act, otherwise known as Obamacare, strove to do away with that calamity, as well as place assurances to patients of their own rights and guarantees of service. The Republicans (The DEATH PARTY) wanted nothing of THAT! So, they got their propaganda arm over at Faux Entertainment (I refuse to call it "news") to push that OBAMACARE was bad and evil and scary... just like that evil black man who is occupying the White House, and millions of Americans (unfortunately) ate it up! Even today, people will bemoan how they are losing their wonderful ACA protections to Obamacare, or that they love the provisions that the ACA provided them (no refusal of service, pre-arriving conditions will be covered, etc) but would still despise "Obamacare&

Wow, it has been a LONG time since I did anything here. So, after retiring from being the webmaster at The Wizard's Lair, I still continued on with my IRL, which has, as some of you have already discovered, drastically changed of late, as I have just retired from my 911 emergency telecommunicator career after 27 years. I would of liked to made it to 30 years to collect my full pension, but it came down to live on partial pension or die and have not a penny from a complete pension. The choice was ... not as painfully obvious as I would have liked! 😶 One huge reason why I have not posted here of late is that I actually approved of the past Obama administration (unlike all the political angst that I professed here under the Bush administration), and have had no reason to vent out my socio-political frustrations. But now ... NOW...  🍄 (I couldn't find a mushroom cloud on this.... ) Yes, I am an American. Sometimes that is not always readily apparent to people here on the