Vladi Wizard's Musings

Vladi's Mental Meandering 4 of 12 Intimacy I was talking to my ex, Cheryl, this weekend, when I had an epiphany. Our conversation was circling the burning bush of intimacy, which I have always had a bit of a disagreement with her about, but until now, I really never realized WHY. As some of you know, my childhood was not the best growing up, and thus I had a lot of trust issues (still to this day, but working on it), especially on letting people get close to me. Now, the point of contention is that to Cheryl, sex was intimacy. And, while it very well can be, I think that there is much more to intimacy than just skin on skin contact. No, to me, intimacy is transparency and vulnerability. You do not have to be face to face with someone to be intimate with them, as we have all have had intimate situations with those that we have dealt with over the phone. We have had to help some very desperate people, who lay open themselves for the help they desperately c

Re-Posted from my 911 Peer Support Group Vladi's Mental Health Meanderings Part 3 of 12 You're a ROCK!! How many times have you heard this? How many times have you said this? We like to use it to define a person as solid, imperturbable, unflappable, STRONG in any occasion or situation, no matter how chaotic and terrible. This is something that administrators look for in call-takers and dispatchers, people who keep their cool when everyone around them is losing theirs. It's something I have heard pretty much all my life. Calm and stoic, relaxed and humorous, the man who laughs at the sight of conflict. Bill.... YOU'RE A ROCK!! Well, thank you ... but, that rock has many many cracks! The problem with rocks is that they have no flexibility. There is no adaption or adjustment. Rocks are stable, but also un-moving. And, LIFE is not like that! In the years, I have built a very large, tall and thick (it's the most BEAUTIFUL OF WALLS... ), t

Published to my Peer Group with minor editing to protect the guilty: VLADI'S MENTAL MEANDERINGS Episode 2 of 12 Recently, we have seen a rise in attention given to suicide by the "MSM", due to the recent celebrity suicides. And, with all the various articles, as well as Facebook memes flying about, I have come to a realization, due to the fact that I have actually been on the "other side of the phone", as it were. Now, I am not going into a whole bunch of different things (after all, I have 10 more sessions to perform for my therapist here :P), so I will only concentrate on one, very important thing, which I believe we have been doing wrong for many many years. A MILLION. Even in the best of times, we have a hard time relating to that number. We don't see it, we don't interact with it, we don't experience it. It is a concept to us, really. Sure, we understand it mathmatically, but if we suddenly had a million of .... ummmm... anything, we wo

This is a repost of my post to my Peer Support Group here on FB (time delay 15 min): Okay, I am going to just jump into this face first... errr... feet first! (Plus, it's now part of my therapy 🤔 ) As some of you know, I have been having some issues in this past year, which started to go towards critical mass last July when I started having memory problems. Making a long story short, and skipping ahead to October when I retired (early) from XXXXX. Well, with my various medical issues, upon which now dealing with PTSD, depression and anxiety, and no longer ha ving the everyday pound of 911 life and all it entails, I really have hit a drastic low. Low enough that the first time I turned in my guns to XXXXX, and the second time I was transported to Memorial with suicidal ideations. Mind you, I had these thoughts EVERY DAY, but this time I actually acted upon those thoughts and started to look for means to prep the garage for C02 termination. Right now, I am doi

Had another psychotic break on Saturday. Not as bad as the one before, when I turned in my guns, but was close enough that was taken into hospital. Not there too long, and now under watchful eye of my brother for a few days, until I can get back onto some anti-depressants (since I had to wean off the last one due to a bad interaction with it, thus I have been on nothing for depression since then). I have those thoughts of suicide everyday, but when I start to act upon them, that is when I knew that I had taken a drastic step that needed some intervention (preparing garage for C02 poisoning). 

Couldn't think of any snappy or clever title for this posting. One yet another medication, which I believe isn't the right one for me (at least as far as the dose they have me on...??). Still having suicidal thoughts, LOTS of them, in fact, but right now they are more of an intellectual exercise, than anything else. However, I also know, from my 911 days, that making plans of suicide is a HUGE STEP towards the actual act... Which, fortunately, I still have not taken the PREPARATIONS step... or, have I?? Hmmm... considering how many different plans that I have made, some don't need much more than my car and some gas, or even a length of rope (Here's a math problem ... how much rope does it take to break the neck of a wizard? How far would I have to jump from a birch tree to assure a clean snap? Any different from an oak, or an ash tree?? -- Good thing I always HATED these math problems... ) Anyway, seems that nowadays, I am plotting and planning and devising wa